I have been waiting for it since it was announced and played the first BC.  The first BC was filled with humorous dialogue to go along with well pace action.  I was hoping for that in the sequel. Not only did BC2 exceed any expectations that I may have had, bit greatly improved gameplay. With that being said.

The only gripe may be that the humorous bits in 2 came during the battles instead of during the cutscenes.  Come on EA, I bet some people missed out on some the humorous bits due to concentrating on accomplishing the mission. And what happened to Mike One Juliet, the high priestess of Sweetwater's world. And how come no continuation of the storyline from BC1.

As Murrow would say, Good night and Good Luck.

Well, I started work last Thursday. I bring this up, because my future blog posts are likely to be more infrequent. No worries, I will still be posting. I have to finish my critiques of the movies (the originals are set on the agenda, after I finish the *looks around to make sure no one is listening and whispers almost inaudibly* new Star Trek movie and Harry Potter 3 (why I can't remember the name is beyond me).

On to this week's character!

Thanks to SG and many others, I've come up with this week's character that should never have existed: Lucky Loos.

You know those guys that are incredibly dumb, untalented, below average, and poor? The ones that are usually dead ugly that nail women like Scarlett Johansson, Kate Winslet, Keira Knightley, Meghan Fox, Angelina Jolie, or some other woman of their sexified caliper? The ones that bumble along in life and through exceptionally good luck get something they don't deserve in a million years?

Yup, that guy. That's the Lucky Loo. The guy, or girl, who through no action of his or her own, is able to get out of the toughest scrapes, succeed in the most challenging escapades, and nail the hottest woman on the planet (whoops, sorry, got carried away!). We the readers are then forced to sit back and go, “How the hell did that happen?”

Anakin Skywalker

The quintessential Lucky Loo. In The Phantom Menace, all our wonder boy needs to know is how to pilot a pod and he's off. He wins a grand total of one race (the Boonta Eve that Qui-Gon so heavily bet in), and he's the savior of Naboo, the destroyer of the droid control ship, and he does it all based on pure, dumb @ss luck. He slips into the cockpit of a ship, accidentally sets it on autopilot, somehow manages to get behind the shields, into the bays, and fires a proton to the reactor! If that ain't lucky, I'll eat my boot!

Jar Jar Binks

I know how excited you all are to see his big, froggy, rabbit-y face on my blog! Our second contestant, hailing again from The Phantom Menace (to have two characters end up here is a death mark for this movie), Jar Jar Binks was banished from Otah Gungah for *unintelligible crime here*. He is out gettin' high, sniffing weed, I haven't a clue what when Qui-Gon runs into him and has to knock the moron over in order to keep them both from being killed. Strike one. Then, Qui-Gon claims the Gungan might be able to help navigate to the surface and rescues the beast from being “poonished”. Strike two. Then, he gets his tongue zapped, his hand stuck and must be released by Padme before Anakin starts up the pod. Strike three, yer out!

In between jostling around Artoo units, knocking over half the items in Watto's shop, stealing, and stepping in poo, Jar Jar mainly bumbles from one scene to the other, lucky to have people like Qui-Gon, Anakin, and Padme to save him from himself. And we sit in our seats, unlucky to have to watch him.

Jax Pavan

In the underbelly of Coruscant, fugitives hide from unwanted eyes. Jax Pavan, former Jedi Knight, is one of those fugitives. He might not be such a bad character...if he wasn't so darn stupid! The guy can't do anything right, has to have Laranth save his rear on numerous occasions and can't get over the hot Zabrak, Dejah Duare, long enough to think straight. It's a wonder that he solved the crime in the second novel and avoided Darth Vader's long blade of the law!!

Okay, it's your turn! Who should be on the Lucky Loo list and why?

Corran Horn from I, Jedi?

Nom Anor?

I hate to say this, but I almost wasn't looking forward to watching Revenge of the Sith. The Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones were pretty painful to watch. But I made a promise to myself to watch these movies from beginning to end and wasn't about to stop in midstep.

Week 3, the last of the prequels and the only one of the sextology to be rated PG-13 (all those heads gettin' popped off with a lightsaber must've done it). It told of the end of the Clone Wars and the end of the Jedi and the beginning of the Empire and people were hoping, praying, and rubbing their rabbits' feet that it would do justice to the series and not turn out as terrible as the previous ones.

Revenge, I feel, is one of the heaviest of the movies and definitely the heaviest of the prequels. Instead of groaning as an eopie farts in Jar Jar's face or cringing at Anakin's clunky declaration of love to Padme or gritting your teeth as Ahsoka outdoes her master, we get much more background and insights than the last two movies combined.

Oh, sure, there are still plenty of WTF moments. I have no idea why George Lucas chose this movie to change all the droid voices to sound goofy and kiddie and dorky. They spoke mechanical and robotic in Menace and Clones and now they sound like a bunch of gibbering idiots. Inexplicably. That was more than a little uncomfortable to watch.

Or how Anakin finishes off Dooku before the movie has even reached its 15 minute mark. That was a horribly bad move. There is no build-up to this, no emotional impact, just a swipe and Dooku, who was oohed and aahed and built up to be this big, cool, bad @ss baddie, is gone. I think it would have been much better for Dooku to have been killed in the latter half of the movie (like when Anakin goes to Mustafar to kill the Separatist leaders and there he kills Dooku as well). You would still have that Sidious betrayal stuff, but it almost makes it creepier, that Sidious is fishing for a younger apprentice while still in cahoots with Dooku. But alas, George can't keep his villains very long and has to give them dramatically horrible exits (remember Darth Maul, the Sith who could only kill one Jedi on screen?).

Which brings up Grievous. He was shockingly bad @ss in the Clone Wars animated shorts (I am not talking about that Clone Wars CGI TV series, I am still upset that it chose to be kiddie and bring on the most horrible Mary Sue on screen for our eye-wrenching pleasure as she battles two Magna guards with no probs while Obi-Wan and Anakin both had their hands full with one a piece). But here he is doubled-over coughing most of the time (not very cool, even if it is a not-so-subtle wink-wink to 'ol Anakin/Darth Vader) and gets killed off way too easily by a mere one Jedi. In the animated shorts, he was up against like 6 Jedi and took out like half of them. Yet, he can be beat by Obi-Wan? Lame.

And let's talk about Padme. She lives in a time of unprecedented medical advances but doesn't realize she is pregnant with twins? What happened with all those appointments pregnant mommies are supposed to have? Is it her doctor's fault? If so, I say Anakin goes after him next. If the doctor is stupid enough not to realize when Padme is 5+ months pregnant that she is carrying twins, he doesn't deserve to be practicing medicine anymore.

I also want to make passing remarks to a few other missteps, if you don't mind. They are as follows:

1. Jedi need to be taught how to use birth control. All these people having unexpected babies is absurd. I can see the advertisement now: “Jedi condoms: So you don't have to use the 'vergence in the Force' excuse anymore!”

2. It would have been really nice to see all those wonderful Loyalist cell deleted scenes that George cut so we could have an hour long duel at the end. If you don't want to put them in the theater, fine, but do what Lord of the Rings did and make a big, fat, bad @ss long movie with all these guys. Heck, wait until the anniversary edition to put this out and really soak the money from people.

3. What sort of government system does Naboo have anyway, if the Queen can remove a Senator on the sole basis of the Senator being pregnant? Don't the people elect Senators? But this is the same world that has 14-year old Queens elected, so what am I saying!

4. The Jedi and the Republic need to make a law in their new government separating church and state. Honestly, the Republic is too eager to jump in and change Jedi laws; and the Jedi is too quick to jump and try to get rid of a chancellor.

But despite all these nitpicks, this is really a good movie. I know, I've spent a lot of time detailing the flaws, how could it be good? Let me try to explain...

We open to Anakin and Obi-Wan flying to Grievous' ship in a desperate attempt to retrieve Palpatine. The banter in this scene is what should have been present in Attack of the Clones. They tease each other, they pick on each other, but deep down, you can tell they care for each other and would do anything to save the other. When Obi-Wan tells Anakin to go on without him, Anakin defies the order and instead rids Obi-Wan of the buzz droids. It is obvious that the two are closer, there is more of the Master/Apprentice, Father/Son vibe than there was in Attack of the Clones (give that Clones had little to none in the first place, though, doesn't necessarily say much...).

When Anakin and Padme reunite and when they both are on her balcony, overlooking the city, I can feel the love and passion they have for each other. Padme seems really happy to be with Anakin, to be really, truly in love with him...something that didn't come across in Clones. Anakin is no longer the creepy, stalker predator in Clones but is a caring, somewhat obsessive husband. He has been away so long, he wants only to look at her. Time has made her more beautiful in his eyes. And he cares deeply and passionately about her, in the way a husband does for his wife.

The relationship between Palpatine and Anakin isn't as shaky. I felt that their was a deep friendship and it made sense. In Clones, the two are seen with each other, they talk, but they honestly felt like two people jammed in the same room with each other and told to feel this one way. Anakin tells Palpatine what troubles him, allows Palpatine to talk him into feeling and thinking in certain ways.

Then there are some excellent, thought-provoking lines. At one point, when Anakin expresses his doubts in the Jedi, Padme speaks up, “What if the Republic has become the very evil we've been fighting to destroy?” Anakin, under a lot of pressure from Palpatine (to spy on the Jedi) and from the Jedi (to spy on Palpatine), doesn't take this very well, but Padme has a point. Maybe the Republic isn't good, even if it does have the “Republic” name in it (though, at this point, I get the impression it is becoming a Republic only in name, as Palpatine has most of the power).

Palpatine says to Anakin, “Good is a point of view,” and later, Anakin tells Obi-Wan, that to him, the Jedi are evil. What is good? Is good using clone troopers to fight a war against Separatists? Is good seceding from a Republic because you aren't getting what you want? Is good the Jedi? Is good the Sith? How selfish is too selfish? Can you be a little selfish and still be good? Is it wrong to kill clones in self-defense? Is it wrong to kill Jedi just because of an Order that says they are traitors? And while Obi-Wan's “Only a Sith deals in absolutes” kinda messes up the whole thought process, one thing is clear: every person has a different view of what is good and what is wrong. It is based on the person and the beliefs they hold dear to them.

Anakin's fall could be attributed to many things, one being an inability to let the ones he cares about pass into the otherside of the Force. Yoda warns him that attachment will lead to the Dark Side, because of the fear of losing someone. But that one shouldn't be afraid. It is the way of life, the way of the Force.

Anakin also listens to people who tell him exactly what he wants to hear. Palpatine feeds him lies, that he can make the young Jedi powerful and able to save his wife. And this just plays off Anakin's fear.

This movie has so much to think over, I could go on for pages and pages. But I would get boring, I am sure, and you would probably stop reading.

Now that I've finished the prequels, I want to give a basic summary of my findings:

The Phantom Menace: Why was this even made? What did we learn here that we really couldn't get elsewhere? Darth Maul dies, we don't really need to know where Anakin was from, only that he was attached to his mother (which could easily have been done as a flashback in Clones), the Trade Federation is punished...sure there are a few characters set up for the next movie, but I can easily say, I would have no trouble understanding Clones without Menace because nothing of consequence happens in Menace. But I still love Qui-Gon...

Attack of the Clones: This needed to be number 1 instead of number 2. Insert maybe a scene setting up Anakin and his mom, but don't bother with the whole “slave on Tatooine” thing. Also, get rid of the Padme and Anakin alone on Naboo part. Make it more along the lines of they are forced into a situation together (preferably a fighting scene with some Trade Federation dudes—maybe they have to penetrate the base on Geonosis to try diplomacy with the Separatists), have them fight a bit, and then have them discover they are in love. Keep Obi-Wan and Jango and stuff (oddly enough, having Boba a clone doesn't bother me), but clean up the clone plot. Don't overdo the scheming Palpatine or whomever stuff. Also, bring Dooku in early on in the movie and have Grievous make his first appearance.

Revenge of the Sith: Leave this one as number 3, insert a whole movie about the Clone Wars (and not that horrible CGI movie with Ahsoka, please!) for the number 2 slot. Remove Dooku dying at the beginning, move it to the end on Mustafar. Get rid of the fact Padme doesn't know she's carrying twins and her cheesy death. If she has to die, let her die from internal hemorraging or something. I would prefer her taking Leia into safety at Bail Organa's house, but that is just to keep consistency with Return of the Jedi. Put back the Loyalist deleted scenes so we can have some break from all the fighting.

Here's a pair of questions I have for you: Now that you've read what I think and how I would change them, A) what do you think of my changes (how would they work, how would they not) and B) how would you change the movies, if George Lucas came to your door and said, “Hey, I kinda messed up the prequels...can you give me a hand”?

Sorry for being a bit later than normal. I've been trying to post my movie viewing blog on Mondays or Tuesdays and my character picking blogs on Thursdays or Fridays. This week was going so excellent, that I nearly blew off my character blog!

Anyway, I was initially going to go with the character type “Lucky Loos” (thanks SG!), characters who seem to always come out okay in the end, even if they do absolutely nothing to help themselves. But I've been reading the absolutely, insanely stupid The Force Unleashed, and had to talk about one of my writing pet peeves, Mary Sues.

In case you are not sure what a Mary Sue is, here is the definition from Wikipedia, followed by a few choice links (the Encyclopedia Dramatica is just for fun):

Mary Sue/Marty Stu: “a fictional character with overly idealized and hackneyed mannerisms, lacking noteworthy flaws, and primarily functioning as wish-fulfillment fantasies for their authors or readers”

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_Sue

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/MarySue

http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Mary_Sue

The coining of the term “Mary Sue”:

http://www.fortunecity.com/rivendell/dark/1000/marysue.htm

Mary Sues are those characters you grimace when you read. They are the most gorgeous, the most talented, and the most loved. Anything they do is worshipped. Everything they do is right. They can learn long-forgotten skills in two days, speak more languages than you can shake a dictionary at, and will woo some handsome partner at one point in the story. Everyone loves them; those who don't are really bad guys, get a grudging respect by the end of the story, or die because they didn't listen to what Mary Sue told them to do. Because Mary Sue is always right. Period. No debate.

No wonder they are so annoying!

So, as I am self-declared General of the Army Against Mary Sues and Marty Stus (the masculine version), I had to hack at these guys. Here are the ones I think are most annoying and most unquestionably Mary Sues.

Starkiller/Galen Marek

You may be familiar with The Force Unleashed. It was a big huge project that came out, I guess, two years ago. Video game, comics, and novel. Well, the basic story is about Darth Vader's secret hush-hush apprentice, codename Starkiller. You know, it sorta is a cool story. But when Starkiller can go anywhere and hack everyone to bits without breaking a sweat, you start to loose interest. There is absolutely no doubt he will win. He also gets a nice squeeze, Wardrobe Malfunction, Captain Juno Eclipse (who can truncate Imperial necklines to show off her ta-tas). And plays way too pivotal a role in the early Rebel Alliance. Yup, targets set, ready, aim, FIRE!

Callista Ming

In what is largely considered one of the worst Star Wars novels, Children of the Jedi, Callista Ming was a Jedi who died and somehow, through some means never adequately explained or believable in Star Wars, got into yet another Palpy superweapon special, creatively called Eye of Palpatine. She gets to nail Luke, then loses her Force abilities, which she whines about in Darksaber. People disliked her so much, that Barbara Hambly was asked to write her out of continuity, which she proceeded to do in her last (to this date) entry in the Star Wars EU, Planet of Twilight (so, does that mean we can find Edward Cullen and Jacob Black here??). And really, how could you not hate Callista? She steals Cray Mingla's body, which then suddenly and inexplicably changes from Cray's features to Callista's features. She is the love interest of Luke for the sole purpose of being a love interest. And a Jedi Master (at one time). Lock and load, peoples!

Githany

Githany was a Sith in the Sith Era and was featured in Jedi vs. Sith and Darth Bane: Path of Destruction. She was very sexy, which she used constantly, taught Darth Bane all she knew, and supposedly was this feared warrior although she never really fought and proved herself (though in the graphic novel, she was a bit better).

Ahsoka Tano

Normally, I try to keep this to three main examples. But after I had finished my first three, I remembered one of the most annoying recent additions to Star Wars.

Anakin Skywalker moaned and groaned about not being a Master in Revenge of the Sith. We thought it was, like Matthew Stover explained in the novelization, because Masters get access to Sith Holocrons. But apparently he was upset because he had an actual apprentice! *GASP*

Ahosoka Tano is an annonying, obnoxious Togruta smart-@ss from the new CGI Clone Wars TV series (and movie) whose only purpose to the saga is to give competition to Jar Jar Binks for most annoying, obnoxious character. She becomes Anakin's apprentice, wears way too abbreviated clothing for a barely tween, can outfight Magna bodyguards (which gave Obi-Wan and Anakin a run for their money in Revenge), outquips Anakin (nicknaming him the atrocious “Sky-guy” and earning the name “Snips”), outfights Obi-Wan, outsmarts all the Jedi (AND the Mandalorian, in a slight gest to Traviss' Mando bias)...in short, I am glad that she doesn't appear in Revenge because that likely means she's dead! HOORAY!

So what do you think of these other possibilities?

Aalya Secura?

Corran Horn (especially when he tells off Luke in I, Jedi)?

Prince Xizor?

Kal Skirata from the Commando novels?

There is a fable used in eastern religion called The Blind Men and The Elephant.  It goes like this: 

The first blind man put out his hand and touched the side of the elephant.  "How smooth!  An elephant is like a wall."  The second blind man put out his hand and touched the trunk of the elephant.  "How round!  An elephant is like a snake."  The third blind man put out his hand and touched the tusk of the elephant.  "How sharp!  An elephant is like a spear."  The fourth blind man put out his hand and touched the leg of the elephant.  "How tall!  An elephant is like a tree."  The fifth blind man reached out his hand and touched the ear of the elephant.  "How wide!  An elephant is like a fan."  The sixth blind man put out his hand and touched the tail of the elephant.  "How thin!  An elephant is like a rope."

[Lillian Quigley, The Blind Men and the Elephant (New York:  Charles Scribner's Sons, 1959).  Possible original sources of the story are the Jataka Tales, a collection of Buddhist birth stories, and the Pancatantra Stories, Hindu religious instruction fables.]

So then the blind men argue about who is right.  The Rajah, (the king) who sees, says "The elephant is a big animal, each man touched only one part.  You must put all the parts together to find out what an elephant is like."  Enlightened, the blind men put all the parts together to come up with the whole truth. 

So, the fable illustrates that all religion only has part of the truth.  If all religions are put together, we will have a religion that is the truth.  If you are more skeptical, then the fable says that we are all so narrow minded and can never learn the real truth. 

But the fable has three major problems with it. And just to make things clear, the fable is an assertion.  It makes the point clear, but does NOT prove it.

1. What if the elephant talks?  If the elephant represents God/god (and the blind men humans) then the elephant should be able to talk.  Three of the worlds greatest religions, Christianity, Judaism, and Islam, all make the claim that God speaks.  If the elephant speaks, then it can tellt he blind men what it is like.  And all other opinions are completely nullified. 
2. Two oppisite things cannot both be true at the same time.  This is just common sense.  It is impossible to combine all religion.  Chirstianity states Jesus Christ was, well, the Christ.  Islam states that Jesus Christ was NOT God.  They cannot both be true, and therefore it is impossible to combine all religion.  
3. If we are all blind, how do you 1) escape the blindness and 2) know that you have escaped the blindness?  If you think you represent the Rajah, how did you escape being blind?  If you think you are one of the blind men, how do you know everyone else is blind and has only part of the truth?

The fable fails miserably when these points are made clear.  End of story. 

Work Cited: Lightbearers, Summit Ministries

Week 2 of my journey through the Star Wars saga. I believe it was Sunday evening, and I was wondering what to watch. I went through my difficult task of looking through my collection and almost choosing to watch The Nanny Diaries (rather funny) when I realized I needed to get cracking on Attack of the Clones or I would be late with yet another blog entry.

I ended up watching Clones in three or four parts. Part of that was I only had small chunks of time to watch it. The other part was I could only take so much of Hayden Christensen and the Romance.

Rewatching Clones was a pleasure, don't get me wrong. I enjoy seeing Ewan McGregor slide into the role of Obi-Wan Kenobi. And this time, he gets to have fun, with fun quips and a mystery. And seeing a full scale battle between clones, Jedi and droids is most definitely note-worthy.

But not all was well in Eden. I was struck, yet again, by how goddamn whiny Anakin is. Even the first scene with him and Obi-Wan in the elevator, meant to be “playful” bantering between Master and Apprentice comes off more as “Father dragging whiny teenager somewhere he doesn't want to be”.

Anakin and Obi-Wan meet a slightly toned down Jar Jar. Fine, that's cool, even if Jar Jar calls Obi-Wan “Obi”. But I could slap Padme when she sees Anakin and goes, “Ani”. Talk about insensitive. How many people do YOU know that enjoy being called by childhood nicknames? What if he didn't like it? For a supposedly brilliant politician/diplomat/whatever, her choice of words is tasteless and glaringly obvious she is trying to knock him down a few notches to keep him in the “Kiddo” box.

Almost every scene with Anakin/Hayden is painful for me to watch. From when he blatantly contradicts Obi-Wan in front of Padme and proceeds to fight with him over the details of their mandate to his declaration of Lurve to Padme at the fireside scene (in which he *gags* hopes that “that kiss does not become a scar”—WTF does that mean anyway?), watching him is like clawing at a chalkboard. ACK! Give him a lightsaber, tell him when and where to swing and don't give him lines, for heaven's sake!

This time around, I was also less than impressed with Padme. I mentioned her rude greeting (“Nice to meet you again, Little Boy” *PAT PAT on the head*). But at other times, she is contradictory. “You've grown up” followed by a “Don't try to grow up too fast”. What the hell do you mean, Padme? You are barely out of your teens yourself! Quit coaching! And then, most of what she does is either run away to the most obvious hiding spot in the world (yeah, right, the Trade Federation wouldn't think twice about searching her homeworld to see if she is hiding there!) or stand around staring at Anakin with pained or angered or disgruntled expressions. Poor girl, I wish someone had the sense to give her a lightsaber so she could have a little FUN!

So the romance was still as horrible and groan-worthy as ever. At least I've seen it again, so I can master how not to write romance novels. Here are some notes I took:

1. Don't make one of your love interests a stalker, mentioning how he dreams about her all the time, how he is encouraged to love her, how soft she is and how the kiss they shouldn't have might be a scar.

2. Don't force a forbidden relationship where it doesn't match. Jedis not marrying, yes, but senators? Really? Are only cohabiting couples allowed or something?

3. Don't spend half the movie with two people all alone in the middle of some place über romantic, wearing really hot, sexy clothes.

Or in simple terms: “Don't force a romance that isn't working. Let it *gasp* flow”.

There was one line in particular Anakin says at one point about Padme: “I've given up trying to argue with you.” Good line, no sarcasm there. The only problem is that Anakin and Padme have argued all of one time. That line would work much better with, say, Han and Leia. Han and Leia were at each other's throats all the time. It would make much more sense for Han to quip, “I've given up trying to argue with you” after one of their fights than it ever makes sense for Anakin to say about Padme.

Obi-Wan is, as I mentioned above, great. He gets the best part of the movie, the unraveling of the mystery. Only problem I have is...what the heck is going on? Zam was sent to kill Padme, fails, and is in turn killed by Jango who purposefully (?) leaves an obvious pointer back to Kamino for Obi-Wan to collect the Clone Army requisitioned by a dead Jedi? So Jango knows the whole plot? Dooku/Tyranus told him to shoot Zam to lead Obi-Wan to Kamino? If Obi-Wan hadn't come when he did, who would check in on the army? In fact, why didn't Kamino ever contact the Jedi Order (or did this Sifo-Dyas guy send them the wrong mailing address)? Weren't they a little afraid when no one came to check in on the product earlier?

Do you see how confusing this is? I have more questions to ask, but I have to stop, I'm giving myself a headache.

And then, why the hell does Padme oppose this Army Creation Act so much? Doesn't she see that the Republic is in danger and no pandering to the Separatists is gonna work? Is she that much of a convenient pacifist (I say this, because in the last film, and later in this film, she has NO trouble wielding a gun) and an optimist to think she can draw back the Seppies with “Good Vibes”?

Then there were a few things that reminded me of the Traviss Commando books. Mace Windo says adamantly, “The Jedi Council did not authorize the creation of a clone army”. So all the mud-flinging at the Jedi is a little bit off-target. And the Jedi, being new at this commanding officer thing, can't be blamed for all the clones' deaths. They just didn't have the training...Of course, the clones don't necessarily know either of these points...

Did anyone catch Obi-Wan's words on politics at the beginning? Where he basically states that Padme is a politician and can't be trusted? I couldn't help but chuckle. Even Obi-Wan wouldn't trust his life with her!

Oh, and I couldn't help thinking, while the Jedi are fighting in the arena, that they needed more Ewoks. Here, Jedi are dying everywhere, but in Return of the Jedi, only one Ewok died and they were fighting against stormtroopers!! Everyone knows that both battle droids AND stormtroopers graduated from the Imperial Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ImperialStormtrooperMarksmanshipAcademy) so their chances of hitting anything short of the broad side of a barn is nil. Thus, the fact that Ewoks, short, furry, stumpy-legged barbarians with clubs and stone knives can outwit the Empire and their superior firepower proves they are way better than Jedi, who have the Force, fancy lightsasbers, and years of battle training and STILL can't defeat stupid droids. I say we all petition George Lucas to insert some Ewoks into the Battle of Geonosis when he does his 10, 20, or 30 year anniversary edition of Attack of the Clones. Maybe the Jedi wouldn't seem to be losing when Nute, Poggle, and Dooku keep groaning about how the Jedi are winning.

Speaking of Dooku, I wonder...whose side is he on? Was he an early corrupted Jedi who hid it? Was he corrupted later on in life? Does he really think he and Obi-Wan can destroy Palpatine? And most importantly: why the fierfek did he NOT appear in the movie until the last freaking 30 minutes?! Bad George, Bad!

Let me also close with this final thought: has anyone noticed the incredulously high mortality rate on major females in these movies? Last movie, Padme made it through, fortunately, as did Shmi. This movie, not only does Shmi bite it, but also Zam Wesell, one of the absolute coolest characters ever (yes, I admit, I am biased). That leaves us with a grand total of one female character left...and I don't feel too optimistic about her making it through Revenge in one piece...

Stay tuned for more “Watching Star Wars”.

Well, WoSW is oficially gone.  None of the links work anymore...it is finally and entirely dead.  I think. 

Last week I mentioned one of my favorite most hated character types, the Cackling Villains. You know, those imbeciles who sit in their cushy rooms and cackle wickedly about killing the hero and bringing power and victory to him or herself?

This week, I decided to go for Round Two against the villains with a category I came up with last week...the blank, black sheep sibling of the Cackling Villain...

The Impotent Villain!

Impotent

Pronunciation: \ˈim-pə-tənt\

Function: adjective

Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French & Latin; Anglo-French, from Latin impotent-, impotens, from in- + potent-, potens potent

Date: 14th century

1 a : not potent : lacking in power, strength, or vigor : helpless b : unable to engage in sexual intercourse because of inability to have and maintain an erection; broadly : sterile

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/impotent

And, just for clarification, I am not speaking about the 1b definition, though I have no doubt that the 1b definition does in fact afflict some of our said villains.

Basically, these are the villains that are all talk and...nothing happens. They have big plans...and nothing happens. They dream of power...but they are so ineffective against the good guys, they might as well have given up before they lost. They are so smart...or at least, that's what the author/other characters tell us about him/her.

I know this sounds scarily similar to their siblings, the Cackling Villains, but the difference here is that said villain isn't shown incessantly talking or thinking about their great rise to power. They just never can do anything that actually wins. Oh, and usually someone says they are good at something. But then they fail anyway.

Here are some examples:

Admiral Natasi Daala

As if our galaxy didn't have enough red-heads (namely, Mara Jade), Kevin J. Anderson, author of the Jedi Academy Trilogy and coauthor of the Young Jedi Knights series, decided to make another one bad.

First of all, isn't red hair the least common hair color? Then why does it keep cropping up with the green eye combo? Second, why does no one give people first names? Who walks around calling their best bud by their last name? Lame.

But enough already. Get on with it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7KexudBb_oc

Daala starts out a bright (supposedly) Imperial discriminated (almost excessively) who rose to power only after she slept her way to the top. Honestly, that's how it happened. She may have been bright, but she never would have become Admiral had she not been Tarkin's pillow buddy. Then, she is entrusted with the Maw Installation but leaves her command to cuddle with Tarkin on the nascent Death Star (obviously, she can't be too all important if she can leave and tumble around with Tarkin). There, she hacks into his files and finds out information that he should have learned first. In my opinion, her contribution in the Death Star novel by Michael Reaves and Steve Perry was embarrassing and lame, and I am so glad she forgot her memory even if that is a painfully and sloppily used writing device.

Unfortunately, Daala is unable to do anything good in her big debut in the Jedi Academy Trilogy. She is found in her secret hideout with her four Star Destroyers and proceeds to destroy all of them, is unable to keep the Sun Crusher from being used, and lost in a final battle to Tarkin's old slave. And she was supposedly a military genius? That could be one-upped by a former slave? I'm quivering in my boots.

Darth Maul

We all remember his briefly exposed tattooed face from The Phantom Menace. I really considered putting him on the Cackling Villains list, but ultimately decided that was a bit far. The guy hardly says two words the entire film...not quite enough to be considered “cackling”.

But definitely enough to earn him the “impotent” title! Darth Maul was one bad @ss, at least, that's the way he looked in all the promo material. Horns, tattoos, black robes, yellow smile...he was gonna make some Jedi lives miserable!

Well, the lives he made miserable narrowed down to, stretching it as far as you possibly can, two: Qui-Gon, who was the only Jedi on screen to die at his über cool double bladed lightsaber (lame), and Obi-Wan, apprentice of said dead Jedi. So, he had loads of potential...and it was wasted. What kind of Sith takes down only one Jedi? Sorry, Maul, you land here!

Wilhuff Tarkin

Not long after The Phantom Menace, Bantam gave up the rights to publish Star Wars novels. Del Rey was publishing their New Jedi Order line. And then a brilliant idea...with the prequels coming out why not *collective gasp* try to tie the entire timeline together? So it didn't look like there was a huge blank gap around the unknown prequel era?

And thus Rogue Planet was born.

Besides being a highly odd book (Obi-Wan and Anakin, ordered to find Vergere, spend time with seed partners to make a living ship?), it featured Wilhuff Tarkin, in what was probably his first time in print (since the poor soul had to die in A New Hope). Only problem with him was...he chased down this planet...and failed miserably in his objective to secure the living ship formula. Hm, and he's this brilliant mastermind in A New Hope? I guess our best answer is: learning curve.

Here are a few others I dug up, what's your thoughts? Have any other really pathetic, incapable villains to add to my list?

Seti Ashgad from Planet of Twilight?

Hethrir from The Crystal Star?

Kueller from The New Rebellion?

Characters That Should Never Have Existed - Cackling Villains

I've had a lot of time lately to watch movies. I've watched a bunch from interlibrary loan, all for free, which is an amazing price, let me tell you. But lately, I got in the mood to rewatch Star Wars. I probably haven't seen the movies in over two or three years...or maybe even more than that, since Revenge of the Sith came out back in 2005. So I wondered...have they changed to my more adult eyes? Do I still find them as amazing as I did back in 1999 when I was only...crap, 16? (I had to do math to figure that out...you know you are getting old when you have to do math to figure out your age.) Or are they...goofy?

We shall see.

I decided to start off with the “first” Star Wars movie, The Phantom Menace. I say “first” because chronologically, it was made after the Original trilogy, but is the first in the saga. I figured, with all my Star Wars reading, all the comics, novels, and discussions on forums and elsewhere, I ought to bring a new perspective to the movies.

Let me tell you, it succeeded.

I have a lot I want to discuss, but I'll try to follow a pattern. Please bear with me.

I still will admit, I guiltily enjoy The Phantom Menace. Qui-Gon Jinn will always be my favorite Jedi. The Queen's costumes are to die for. And the lightsaber battles are mind boggling.

But...

I've watched a lot of movies since 1999. A lot of really amazing movies, with actors that make characters come alive, with humor, with intriguing plots, with stunning visuals, and with tearful moments. And there are a few things that stand out to me like a strobe light in a backyard. I'll put them in list format, I just can't keep myself straight and on-topic otherwise.

1. Script. George Lucas cannot write to save his life. He can't give these amazing actors decent lines to save their lives. Liam, Ewan, Natalie, Pernilla, Ian, and others are amazing actors in and of themselves. They try their hardest to pull off the insane language as best they can. But honestly, when you have crap, what can you expect but crap? And poor Jake Lloyd, castigated for being a mannequin, honestly can't be always blamed when he is hand-fed lines that made me cringe.

2. Plot. George Lucas had an idea, a concept, a road map for where he wanted to go. But I felt, in watching The Phantom Menace, he pretty much drew a straight line and went. The events in this movie feel like a bad video game. Do this, go here, retrieve this, return here, gain this person, add, rinse, repeat. And talk about too much too fast! I always criticize Spiderman 3 for having way too much, but The Phantom Menace honestly needs to find one place and stay there awhile, instead of planet and scene hopping.

3. Jar Jar Binks. Highly controversial character. Even after watching The Phantom Menace again, I still don't hate him. I don't love him either; mostly, I just watch him and go, “Too much! Too much!” I see Jar Jar as an idiot, definitely, but he also tries to pull off being an adult too. When he is with Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan in the bongo and the bongo is sinking, he is showing true fear. “When yousa tinken we in trouble?” he blubbers (according to the subtitles on my DVD), as any adult who suspects Jedi. Only...the language he uses, his previous idiotic actions...how are we to take this character seriously? And when he gets to step in animal poo or sniff eopie fart, really, how can you help us when we wonder...is this a kiddie movie? So, poor Jar Jar, if only you didn't talk so funny and act so inconsistently stupid, maybe we could take you half seriously.

4. Age. If I get a chance to meet George Lucas, one of my questions would have to be “Why so young?” Really, what does he get making a 9 year old boy the center of the story and a 14 year old girl an elected queen? George Lucas is the frickin' creator of the Star Wars franchise. He could say ANY age and boom! That's it. So why so young? No one believes that Anakin could fly a fighter AND proceed to destroy a droid control ship. No one believes that people would vote for a 14 year old...especially not a QUEEN as a queen is a monarchy and voting is a democracy! Take a polisci class!

5. Weird Accents. Kinda discussed this with Jar Jar, but Boss Nass, Captain Tarpals, Rune Haako, Nute Gunray, and Jabba all get funny accents. Is that really necessary? Are there Jamaicans in space? Asians?

6. Politics. Naboo citizens elect a queen. Sio Bibble makes the bold statement that the people have decided not to bow to the wishes of the Trade Federation (don't you mean the majority of the people?). Queen Amidala expects the Senate to drop everything and immediately send—I'm not sure what, since I don't think the Republic has an army or anything at this time—aide to Naboo for the big, bad Trade Federation. The same democracy whose majority voted you to be a queen is the same democracy that wants to vote to see if they will send aide to your planet. I can't believe it, this stuff isn't that hard to understand.

I am sure I can come up with more. There are a hundred areas that tweak me to no end now.

But there are also things I still love. The visuals are absolutely breath-taking. It's fulfilling to see a glimpse into the life of the Jedi. The lightsaber battles are truly amazing. And even Amidala's wardrobe choices make sense if you realize that politics of the Republic have descended to the point of “who's dressed more impressively” (because in all actuality, had she wanted to show her people's plight, she would have worn something torn and tattered and not had to endure the accusation of not having “proof”).

The Phantom Menace is no longer a 5 star movie in my repertoire. I would probably rate it 3 stars now. But as for a time waster...I think it more than passes.

Stay tuned for more “Watching Star Wars”.